GOP Convention Preview

Posted by AzBlueMeanie:

The GOP tent revival prayer meeting and 3-ring circus gets underway in Tampa, Florida next wek.

The Republican National Convention has already had to reshuffle its previously announced schedule due in part to the threat from hurricane Isaac, political maneuvering around Ron Paul delegates, and the networks who were not going to telecast the opening night of the convention on Monday.

Some of the changes: the roll call of state delegates has been moved up to the first night on Monday, rather than Wednesday, to thwart Ron Paul troublemakers who want to stage a floor demonstration (sorry, no network TV losers). Ann Romney has been moved to Tuesday so that she can get network TV coverage of her herculean task to convince "you people" that Willard "Mittens" Romney is really a "warm and fuzzy" nice guy. Yeah, good luck with that Marie Antoinette.

The reshuffled lineup has not yet been announced. Based upon previous press releases, this is the best I can determine as to the list of speakers at the convention, always subject to change:

The "Headliners"

• United States Senator from New Hampshire, Kelly Ayote - she doesn't know who you are either
• Former Alabama Democratic Congressman Artur Davis - This year's version of Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA) - will he also challenge MSNBC's Chris Matthews to a duel?
• Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal - he's also an exorcist! (Google it)
• Florida Congressman Connie Mack, who is running for the Senate - the senile geezers in Florida think they are still voting for his father
• Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell - aka "governor transvaginal ultrasound"
• United States Senator from Ohio Rob Portman - George W. Bush's Director of the Office of Management and Budget, the man who brought you the Bush Great Recession

The Keynote Speaker is a Thanksgiving Day balloon on loan from Macy's, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie -- he comes with his own hot air. I hope they built a lift into the stage so he can just pop up from below; the usual long walk to the podium might just give him a heart attack.

The Convention theme is "A Better Future" -- Republicans want to take you back to the good old days of the 50s -- the 1850s.

To this end, the disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will host Newt University, a series of public policy workshops for delegates to brush up on culture warrior policy and the Christian Reconstructionist revisionist history behind the GOP platform (to be released on Monday).

No plans have been announced yet for the "Birther King," Donald Trump, but he assures us that his role will be "really huge" -- like his ego.

Arizona's Cracker Contingent led by our George Wallace in a dress governor, Jan Brewer, Secretary of State Ken "Birther" Bennett, and Sheriff Bull Connor Crazy Uncle Joe Arpaio will attend to celebrate Kris Kobach's SB 1070 anti-immigration plank in the GOP platform, a salute to our Cracker Contingent. Crazy Uncle Joe has also been assigned the unenviable task of cleaning up behind the elephants at the Tampa Zoo after a fundraiser.

Monday's theme is "We can do better." The original schedule called for welcoming remarks and a series of committee reports. It will now be the roll call of state delegates. Speakers identified by name included:

• RNC Chairman Priebus
• RNC Co-Chairman Sharon Day
• Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn
• Convention Chief Executive Officer William Harris
• Chairman of Tampa Bay Host Committee Al Austin
• State Delegate Barbara Comstock (VA)
• Representative Tim Griffin (AR)
• Speaker of the House John Boehner (OH)
• Governor Rick Scott (FL)
• Senator Rand Paul (KY)
• Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (WA)
• Former Democratic Congressman Artur Davis (AL)
• Senate Republican Candidate Ted Cruz (TX)
• Governor Nikki Haley (SC)
• Former Governor Mike Huckabee (AR)

I am hoping that the "Huckster" will go Medieval and give us another Pat Buchanan "Pitchfork Brigade" declaration of culture war on behalf of his friend, Rep. Todd "legitimate rape" Akin (MO). Pat Buchanan culture war (full speech) - YouTube.

Tuesday's theme is "We Built It" -- yes, they really are that petty. Speakers identified by name included:

• Actress Janine Turner
• Mayor Mia Love (Saratoga Springs, UT), congressional candidate
• Former Senator Rick Santorum (PA)
• Senator Kelly Ayotte (NH), accompanied by Jack Gilchrist
• Governor John Kasich (OH)
• Governor Mary Fallin (OK)
• Governor Bob McDonnell (VA), accompanied by Bev Gray
• Governor Scott Walker (WI)
• Governor Bobby Jindal (LA)
• Sher Valenzuela (small business owner, candidate for DE Lt. Governor)
• Governor Susana Martinez (NM)
• Governor Chris Christie (NJ) - Keynote Speaker
• Mrs. Ann Romney - moved to Tuesday for prime time spot on the networks

Wednesday's theme is "We Change it." Speakers identified by name included:

• Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (KY)
• Senator John McCain (AZ) - The GOP's Rodney Dangerfield, "I never get no respect"
• Attorney General Pam Bondi (FL) and Attorney General Sam Olens (GA)
• Senator John Thune (SD)
• Governor Jeb Bush (FL)
• Senator Rob Portman (OH)
• Steve Cohen, Screen Machine
• Governor Luis Fortuño (PR)
• Governor Tim Pawlenty (MN)
• Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
• Vice Presidential nominee Rep. Paul Ryan (WI)

Thursday's theme is "We Believe in America." Speakers identified by name included:

• Congressman Connie Mack (FL), candidate for Senate
• Bob White, chairman of Romney for President campaign
• Kerry Healey, former Massachusetts Lt. Governor
• Jane Edmonds, former Massachusetts Secretary of Workforce
• Senator Marco Rubio (FL)
• Presidential nominee Willard Mitt Romney

There is a whole gaggle of other congressional and senate candidates speaking. RNC Chairman Announces Additional Convention Speakers.

Olympic athletes are going to be forced to pay homage to Mittens as the savior of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. Fake an injury! Olympians to Appear at Convention’s Final Night.

And the GOP Convention Announces Its Entertainment Lineup - Yikes! Did they empty out the retirement home in Branson, Missouri?

Hurricane Isaac may be the uninvited guest who crashes the party and ruins all their plans.

Comments

[movingazforward]

Tee hee. Good stuff! Picturing Chris Christie floating in the parade...right behind Snoopy. You can watch the circus (and please give us lots of funny commentary) so we don't have to.